Hello again, most glorious and gracious Angels. It’s time once again for another Sermon on the Couch. Gather virtually close as we figuratively join hands and join hearts to come together for a little while of quiet reflection.
On Monday here in the U.S., we pause to honor the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The holiday, celebrated on the third Monday in January, coincides with what would have been his 95th birthday. Across the country, folks are planning special commemorations:
- At the Chicago History Museum, attendees can participate in a “freedom sing-a-long,” engage in dialogue at a “conversation station,” create buttons, and view the documentary “Mighty Times: The Children’s March,” which highlights the efforts of student activists in Birmingham, Alabama.
- San Antonio hosts the nation’s largest MLK March with a celebration to follow at Pittman-Sullivan Park.
- In Philadelphia, the hub of the MLK Day of Service is Girard College, which hosts a variety of service and community organizations and a tribute concert courtesy of the Philadelphia Orchestra.
I come to you today to talk about having difficult conversations. Being admittedly conflict-avoidant myself, just the thought gives me palpitations. But, having two recent such talks brought to mind a third from the past. From an epic fail where I tried to reconcile someone’s personal values with their seemingly discordant political stand to a fair-to-middling experience in which I was able to voice my feelings, but didn’t get 100% clarity to a remarkable instance where I chose not to be baited into an argument, they indeed ran the gamut of outcomes.
I suppose I thought that the hard part was getting my courage up in the first place and things would fall into place from there. (Future me offers up an, “Oh, Sweetie” and a pat on the head.) Dearest, if you’re facing such a situation, allow me to share some advice from Joyce Marter, Licensed Professional Counselor that I wish I’d had in advance.
First, a little prep work can set the stage and make a positive outcome more likely. Getting clear about why this conversation is important to you and what you hope to accomplish is a good place to start. Reviewing your boundaries and shoring them up is key. And of course, timing and setting are critical.
Then decide how you’ll start off the conversation. Probably the worst words a person can hear are “we need to talk”. You can almost hear the dun-dun-duhhhh in the background, right? Marter suggests some better alternatives:
- “I’ve noticed a recurring conversation (conflict, disagreement, problem) we seem to have. I’d like to talk about why that happens.”
- “I want to make sure we are on the same page.”
- “I’m feeling uncomfortable about something, and it’s been weighing on me lately.”
- “This is so awkward to bring up, but because I care so much about you, I want to talk about this.”
Finally, aiming to understand and being empathetic go a long way. In one situation, I started off wanting an apology. But after reflecting on the situation, I realized that I might need to extend one as well. Anything hard is probably not a one-off so following up after a chance to digest everything is a good idea, too.
I’ll leave you with these wise words from Gustavo Razzetti, “Difficult conversations are defining moments—sometimes, things need to go wrong before they become right. Conflict drives change. Handling difficult conversations is better than having to deal with the consequences of the conflict we avoid.”
As always, go in peace and gratitude, may we be courageous and brave in the hard moments, and may the Universe shower us with blessings and humor. Amen.
And now, because I’m losing my mind just a little, let us sing: https://youtu.be/M3mJkSqZbX4?si=teE68GUJPasDVvHl
And, in tribute to Dr. King, let us also sing: https://youtu.be/49ND7S3F9Ps?si=hwegm5vamWj621cn
Sermons on the Couch 